There is a blogger here in my town who is quite well known. She has a huge following from all over the world. In addition to her fans, she also has detractors, some of whom have taken their dislike and created spin-off sites where they say really nasty things about this blogger and snark the hell out of her posts. (I’m not linking to them or mentioning them.)
A couple of weeks ago, one of the local newspapers had an article about mommy bloggers. One of the bloggers they referenced was the one mentioned above. A decent amount of print space was given over to discussing the criticisms about the blogger and why she seems to generate so much strong negative emotion. In fact, when reading the article, it felt to me like an inordinate amount of print space was given over to this part of the blogger’s story. It didn’t mesh all that well with the article as a whole.
After I read the article in the paper, I thought about it for a couple of days, then read it again online. I made the mistake of glancing at the comments section on the newspaper’s website, where most people were saying some appalling things about this blogger. Commenters who probably view themselves as being good and nice were savaging her and tearing her apart in a way that left me feeling queasy. Naturally, most were hiding behind pseudonyms and Anonymous.
I’m not here to discuss the blogger in question or her work, but I will say that she is an average person, just like you and me. She’s not some evil dictator who has committed mass genocide and thus earned the vitriol directed at her. She could be you or me. I know I am not alone in feeling queasy about what people were saying, as other bloggers in town have told me that they too were really put off by the hatred and negativity, which went way off topic and dug down deep into personal attacks.
A great many of you reading my little blog have your own blogs and you, like me, blog for fun. It’s not a job, it’s a hobby. Blogging is just something we do because it makes up happy. If people show up and read our stuff, then we’re even happier. Comments increase our happiness quotient a bit more.
I recognize that when I put my opinions here in the public eye, not everyone will agree with me. In fact, I’m expecting push-back on this post. I’m fine with that. I like spirited debate. I won’t, however, allow personal attacks or nastiness and I will delete that shit without a moment’s hesitation, especially since my daughters read this blog and your comments.
I don’t understand why anyone would feel compelled to respond to a blogger or blog post in such a negative way. When a blogger has shared his/her story with you, why would you tear them apart? To me, doing so is akin to being invited into a person’s house and you respond by leaving a pile of poo on the living room rug.
In the past seven years I have left hundreds — thousands, probably — of comments on blogs and I cannot remember a single time that I have left a nasty remark. If I can’t say something positive or leave remarks that add to the general discussion, I don’t say anything. If I am actually offended by what the blogger has said, I don’t respond — after all, it is their blog and they can say whatever whatever they want.
And if you don’t like a blogger — have a personal problem with them, in fact — why read their blog at all? What’s the point? You don’t have to read their stuff and be offended by it. Why go to the effort to write something nasty on their blog or spread your hate to other blogs and websites? Why put that kind of energy into being negative? There are very popular bloggers whose work I don’t care for, so I don’t read their stuff. End of story.
I’m curious about what you think about this. Am I off base here? Am I missing something? Would you leave a negative comment on someone’s blog?
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Are you really surprised given that artists will get death threats in the twitterverse just for stating they support one candidate or another? This is a symptom of a greater issue.
Some people get a perverse thrill by leaving anonymous vileness. I don’t know why. I wonder what their lives are lacking that they amuse themselves that way. I’ve left comments disagreeing with a post before, not often, but I’ve done it. But I would never leave an insulting comment.
I would never leave a negative comment on a blog or any post. Like you, I only comment if I can say something nice, encouraging, or something that adds to the discussion. A woman we know had some nasty comments on her Caring Bridge page for her daughter, attacking her for sharing her emotions. I would be devastated if someone attacked me personally for my blog. Debate my stated opinion or provide insight into something I may have missed, certainly. But nasty attacks? There’s no reason for that. I agree with SnipeWife, there is a bigger issue. It radiates into all areas. People can’t disagree and support their position with facts anymore. I should say, some people can’t. It’s sad.
I have left one really nasty comment but I used my full name and linked back to my blog. The blogger wrote a post mocking developmentally disabled young adults–she took it down within hours. I’m not going to get into any silly blog wars, but if someone writes something that I find offensive or is deceiving his/her readers, I’m likely going to speak up. But then I like spirited debate…but not a cruel pile on.
I will disagree respectfully on some issue that affects our society, say, if only to bring another viewpoint into the discussion. But I have always adhered to the Yarn Harlot’s blogging philosophy: reading a blog is like being at a gathering in someone’s living room. If you wouldn’t say it in that person’s living room to a bunch of other people, don’t say it on her blog.
I don’t understand the gratuitous meanness either. But which famous blogger lives in your parts, Jen? Now I’m curious!
I totally agree and I love your byline. It feels too easy to hide behind the computer and say what we want, though we wouldn’t do that in someone’s living room. I actually do read blogs I strongly disagree with, don’t leave comments, but really try to learn something. Only sometimes. Mostly I stick with encouraging ones like this. Thanks for sharing.
Something nice.
It is a relief to see so many positive comments here or on most of the blogs I read. I really cringe when the comments go south. Great post, great comments.
Jen,
I’m sorry to hear about the negative tidal wave being spilled over a blogger that is simply stating her opinion/sharing her perspective. I haven’t really seen a ton of negative comments on a personal blog before and it would certainly make my stomach hurt. The nasty stuff I see is usually reserved for newspaper articles, and many of those anonymous comments make my toes curl. No need for such hate.
I do write the occasional column for my local newspaper. I try to back up my opinions with facts. I try hard not to insult people. I try to write objective, persuasive essays.
And yet the comments can be so nasty that I have stopped reading them. I probably shouldn’t care what a stranger says to me online, but I do. I am used to being around nice people – I don’t keep toxic people in my life, so it’s too hard to deal with meanness.
Jen, you are absolutely right. I have disagreed with bloggers before, but I hope that I presented my point of view in a respectful way. I can’t imagine leaving a nasty comment. The blogger has a right to their opinion and can express it on THEIR blog. Anyone who can’t handle what the blogger is saying shouldn’t be reading it. There is enough mean in this world as it is. I didn’t realize that a famous blogger resided in Cville (other than you, of course). I am curious who it is.
I usually keep to the design blogging world and I don’t see negative comments unless a blogger asks for opinions on something really strange or we’re making fun of the prices on One Kings Lane (when they ask $200 for old tennis rackets, they’re fair game). If I don’t like what someone is doing, I keep scrolling in my reader.
A few months ago, a friend from my group blog introduced me to the website you’re referencing. I remember thinking “so this is where all this goes” (there is a lot of crazy on that group blog site, which has a forum attached) and spending hours combing through it. My personal blog will never been interesting enough to wind up there, but I felt like I learned a few things about what turns readers off and I wrote for my team blog more carefully.
I can’t think of a time when I left a mean comment on a blog. I don’t comment much on blogs at all these days. I do most reading through Google Reader.
I have pretty much stopped reading the comments on the local newspapers and television websites because they’re AWFUL ALL THE TIME! I really dislike when someone gets murdered and you see “anonymous” posting horrible things about them and nearly saying they deserve it. It makes me weep for society!
I would tactfully disagree with someone on their blog, and then move it to email/offline if needed. But I’d never be negative just for the sport of it. Also, if you don’t like what the blogger has to say, why bother reading?
I read the article you’re referencing, and I agree that it seemed a tad unbalanced in its negative portrayal of one blogger over the others in the article.
I don’t leave nasty comments on other people’s blogs, but I have to admit that there are a few blogs that I read just for the eye rolls, and hers is one of them. Sorry.
I have never liked reading mommy blogs. I don’t comment on them. Some of the top tier ‘mommy bloggers’ generate several million dollars of revenue annually. The trickle down pay nets many of the at the threshold of a million dollars a year in take home pay. No one plays nice and earns that kind of money. Controversy, keeping people stirred up and keeping comments open and not banning the really nasty commenters drives traffic and feeds the green monster. If you put yourself out there and make a living in the public eye you are the same as any other celebrity and you have to take the hits along with the accolades.
Wow! I had no idea there was such a thing a GOMI. I took a look and it its very disturbing. Blogging has become a whole different species and, while I miss writing, I’m not sure I want to be a part of this public weirdness anymore. Love you, however!
This is obviously zeitgeist-y right now. There has been a huge furore in the press in the UK over the past ten days bc of the social media response to the television appearance and opinions of Cambridge academic, Dr. Mary Beard. Worth reading to see how it can be approached.
I don’t think it’s ever appropriate to leave a nasty comment, on a blog or newspaper article. Like other commenters here, I have stopped reading comments on any newspaper articles. It is possible to politely disagree on a topic without throwing personal insults.
I do wonder about the “mommy bloggers” who market for various products. And I have to admit, that once these product reviews appear in a blog I’ve been reading, I rarely go back to that blog –it’s lost its authenticity for me. (But that may just be my visceral reaction to over-consumption and marketing.) However, if your plan is to make money from your blog, I can see how controversy would drive up traffic.
I agree that article you’ve mentioned and thought the author definitely had a beef with the blogger, but I admit that I read GOMI and a few blogs I don’t like. I don’t, however, leave nasty comments on those blogs. That’s where I feel GOMI serves a purpose: people can be as rude as they like away from the blogs. I don’t agree with a lot of the personal attacks but GOMI makes a lot of good points.
I don’t think the internet should be a place of sunshine and roses but I do think it’s rude to leave nasty comments on people’s blogs. I think some of the commenters above might be confused: no one left nasty comments on the blogger’s blog–they left the comments on the article post.
I was raised with “If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all.” And I’ve stuck to it.
I had actually been avoiding that article, but went and peeked at a bit after I read this post. I read the first page of 3 and maybe the first 10 comments at the bottom of that page. That was enough for me.
The blogger we’re talking about is actually a friend of mine, a very nice and very genuine person. Before we’d ever even met in person, I found it admirable that she had found a way to help support her family through blogging so that she could stay home with her baby and enjoy life the way she wanted to. Very entrepreneurial and creative. She does have a different comfort level of sharing than other people do, but that’s totally up to her – it’s nobody else’s business besides her and her husband’s. She obviously has a way thicker skin than I do – I would be a basket case if people said 1/10 of the things about me that they’ve said to and about her. Just thinking about it makes me want to seek her out and give her a big hug. If you don’t like what a blogger has to say on a regular basis, don’t read it. If you respectfully disagree with a statement, that’s fine – respectfully disagree – but there’s never any call to be nasty. That goes for in real life and online.
Of course, we all know that “Don’t read the comments” is the number one rule of the internet.
I really like Sandra Day O’Connor’s rule:
“Before speaking out ask yourself whether your words are true, whether they are respectful and whether they are needed in our civil discussions.”
Few of us adhere to it but it would be a better world if more of us aspired to it.
I think this is just a moment of collective public meanness, like writing on bathroom walls or slam books. Here’s hoping it will pass.
Ditto what Patience and Not Beehive said. I’ll admit to enjoying a bit of private snark, but I would never go beyond quietly lurking. It does make for a creepy feeling when you happened to come across that blogger in person on the street, though…
The fact that people can comment anonymously allows them to say really mean personal comments on sites. I often don’t read comments for that reason, and I dismiss out of hand any comment made anonymously, even nice ones. If you can’t put your name to your opinions then I have no reason to take you seriously.
My rule for commenting is a stripped down version mentioned by Dahlia…
1. Is it true?
2. Is it kind?
3. Is it necessary?
I always “try” to follow Thumper’s Dad’s rule ;D
I recall a time when a certain single letter blogger guest posted on a home schooling blog a rather thoughtful post about teaching her child about religion when she herself had doubts about her faith. The entire place exploded in vitriol, which then followed the author to her own personal blog.
It was shocking to me that there was so much ugliness expressed, but what was really shocking to me was that the nasty people pursued her to other internet sites, and continued the harassment.
I can understand having a passionate, in the moment argument and maybe getting so passionate you write things you regret. But to go seek out a person in order to express your ugly thoughts? I find it hard to understand someone like that.
I think you are definitely on target, Jen. Aunt Snow brought up the incident that I immediately thought of, and it was not a pretty sight.
I try to live by the “golden rule” and along with that, I can’t see wasting my time reading negative or cruel words. (Like others, I have noticed that comments on any news article are vicious attacks.) Life is precious and so are people.
I once recognized a blogger (EVERYone has to go to a funeral sooner or later) and she was quite anxious I not out her, and I didn’t.
I wouldn’t leave a mean comment, but I have been known to argue.
Jenny
If you don’t have something nice to say (or a valid point to bring to the discussion) then don’t say anything at all. I think more people need to remember to apply this in their online dealings as well as real life.
I have never and would never make a nasty remark on a blog and I am apalled at some of the comments I see sometimes. I might state a different point of view, educate or defend my position – but respectfully.
I am to the point I can’t read comments on some of the websites I read like Slate and Salon and especially on Huffington Post – those people are mean and stupid and make me afraid for our country – ooops. I gues that was kind of mean…
I don’t understand why putting people down has become such a popular pastime.
I’m with SmallTown–if I have nothing nice to say, I keep it to myself. Sometimes you have to call someone out if they’re ill-informed or really offensive, but there’s a way to do it. Anyone spewing their hate behind the cover of anonymity is a coward and not worth a blogger’s attention. In fact, they have every right to delete that type of comment without thinking twice.
It’s a shame when the intent of blogging – to create communities online where ideas are exchanged, feelings are shared and people are supported – has disintegrated into a world where writers have to essentially “post it and run.” Comments are supposed to be a continuation of the conversation, not a public flogging space. At the end of the day, these situations and sites like GOMI are sad reminders that far too many people still rely on pulling others down to pull themselves up out of their own misery.
It makes me sad.
Well said, Jen. As usual.
I adhere to that rule as well. I teach Laura that the Internet can be a dark place, so it is up to us to stay away from those places and be the light where we are. It helps to simply avoid reading blogs that don’t speak to me in an uplifting way. I recall way back when I blogged in a more regular way (as opposed to the annual blogging I do now), someone alerted me to a post on a blog in which the author questioned the actions of a sexually abused minor child, someone who could not speak up for herself (obviously), which post I thought was judgmental, lacked compassion and empathy, thoughtless, and even harmful. And I said so. I know my comment was unwelcome. And I would speak up again and again if I read a blog post if such a situation were to pop onto my radar again. Boom.
Great post, Jen!
I wish I could edit that last sentence.
I mean the last full sentence in the big rambling paragraph.
Okay. Bye.
How absolutely horrid! I am of the school *if you can’t say something nice etc* so hope I have never been negative but I do try to say a bit more than lovely, do agree, gorgeous work etc!