On Sunday evening near dusk, one of my friends and I were sitting in the Jenworld living room, getting caught up on life. My friend E was facing the windows that look out to the backyard, when suddenly she sat up straight and started yelling about some sort of creature in the backyard. Pete and I perked up and we all moved to the window and glass door to take a look.
E tried to describe what she’d seen and where she’d seen it, but what she was saying didn’t make sense. I assured her that she probably had seen a deer, as we have far too many of those white-tailed fuckers who view my gardens as their own personal salad bar. E in turn assured me that she had not in fact seen a deer and that she sure as shit knew what a deer looked like. I was dubious.
E described the creature as fluffy, white, and low to the ground and said that it waddled, at which point she demonstrated some mean waddling skillz of her own. She also pointed out the direction from whence it had waddled and to where it had gone. Pete and I started guessing other animals: cat, dog, possum. No, no, and, no, E assured us.
At this point, E suggested that we go outside and investigate. By we she meant not her because her ass was staying inside where it was safe.
Pete, “Who’s we, kemosabe?”
Me, “Have you ever seen a horror movie? Because this is exactly how they start off. Do you want to be the first person to die? In fact, that’s a great idea: Why don’t you go out there for us all? I’m sure whatever it is is in the mood for Cuban tonight, chica.”
After another moment of dithering, Pete decided that he would investigate and went off to get his shoes, with me telling him, “Get some sort of weapon, will you?” I don’t know what kind of weapon I thought he’d produce but I felt very strongly that if he was going to die on our behalves, that he should at least put up some sort of fight.
While Pete was getting his shoes and his shiv/club/brass knuckles/whatever, E started shrieking again while gesturing frantically, “There it is! There it is!”
And sure enough, there it was, at which point, I started screaming and hollering too. I can’t recall what I said, but I do remember that the F-word came out of my mouth at least a dozen or more times.
It was a white skunk y’all.
The white skunk waddled off pretty quickly while we stood in the safety of Jenworld and loudly freaked out. So maybe it was a deaf white skunk? Because there was no way it didn’t hear me shrieking like a lunatic from inside the house just 15 feet away.
Needless to say, none of us went outside at that point, although Pete briefly considered it until I told him that the rest of his weekend would suck mightily if he had to sleep across town because he reeked of skunk and I wouldn’t let him in the house or even our ‘hood. We all kept glancing out the windows until the sun set, but never had another sighting.
Since Sunday, I have not stepped one toe into my backyard, even though I really need to get out there and beat back the weeds. I’ve been peering anxiously out the back windows, expecting another sighting of SasSkunk, but nothing yet. Nor have I smelled any evidence of its return. For all I know, it could be across town by now.
My hard-hitting Google research has since informed me that white skunks are definitely different from albino skunks. Both are rare, but not so rare that what we saw was an impossibility. I just hope that I don’t see one — or any skunk — again for a while.
Have you ever seen a white skunk?