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It’s that time of year again. Americans know this time well — You’ll hear a knock on your door and open it to find a smiling dealer Girl Scout with a shiv order forms in her hands. Or, you’ll go to the store and there will be a gang of them by the entrance pushing boxes of their products and they’ll guilt coerce you into buying their drugs stuff.
I am talking, of course, about Girl Scout cookies.
When my girls were younger, I volunteered for pretty much anything and everything. Need someone to chaperone a field trip? Call me. Need someone to come in and help with an extra project in class? I’m yer girl. Planning to sucker someone into running your preschool for two years? That’s my name at the top of your list.
So it should be no surprise to anyone that I somehow found myself leading not one, but two different Girl Scout troops for not one, but two entire years. Luckily, I had a co-leader for one of the troops, but the other one? That one was all on me.
Consequently, I know a LOT about Girl Scout cookies. Hell, I’ve eaten a LOT of Girl Scout cookies.
But, no more.
I’ve learned the hard way that Girl Scout cookies and I do not play nicely together. As with Little Debbie Crack Cakes, I’m pretty sure that there’s crank in those Thin Mints and Samoas because I. cannot. eat. just. one. Or even just one box. I’ve got the tracks stretch marks to prove it.
Think I’m kidding? Oh, I’m not and I can illustrate this one.
I’ve told you this story before but it bears repeating: Six years ago, we woke up one morning to the olfactory realization that we had a serious sewage problem in our basement. As in, we could not flush toilets or use water without pumping more yucky stuff into our dwelling. Desperate times like this call for desperate phone calls to plumbers, all of whom were happy to take our money and fly off to a tropical paradise help us sort out our problems.
On a related note, if you ever have to replace the entire sewer line from your house to the street, which is approximately 100 feet away, you should know that homeowners’ insurance will not cover the cost, which will be around $5,000.
On the same day that my front yard was being dug up and the shit was being removed from my basement, I took delivery of cases and cases and cases of Girl Scout cookies. Because the Girl Scouts of the U.S. of A. care not if you’re up to your ankles in poo, they expect you to pick up your cookies at the designated time anyway, even if you do carry a waft of fecal matter about you.
This was during a time when I was an emotional eater — and I do thank Flying Spaghetti Monster that I have finally thrown off the shackles of that mental tyranny — I ate not one, but two boxes of Samoas in short order. I felt ill even as I did it, but I could. not. stop.
And do you know why? Because all those sweet little second and third graders are actually hardcore Ph.D.-level chemists who mix alternate ingredients in with the flour and eggs and and whatnot when they make all those seemingly innocent cookies. I don’t know if it’s heroin or meth or crack or some combination of the above, but I do know that Girl Scout cookies are highly addictive and breaking that addiction requires a 12-step program.
[Okay, okay, I keed about the little girls doing the actual mixing. I know that all the baking is outsourced to industrial food factories around the country.]
Luckily, I’ve put myself through the equivalent of a 12-step program for Girl Scout cookies, Little Debbie Crack Cakes, and other sugary bonbons. At this moment, as I contemplate eating a Samoa, I actually feel a little queasy just thinking about it. However, like any recovering addict, falling off the wagon is just one Thin Mint away, which is why I won’t be buying any of those overpriced boxes* this year. We can whip up a batch of Preacher Cookies in less than 15 minutes and they taste far better and are far less expensive, especially since we don’t lace them with blow.
* Did you know that of the $4 you spend on a teeny weeny box of Thin Mints, only 90 cents goes back to the troop? The cookie manufacturer gets around 30% and the remainder is split between GSUSA and the local GS council.
I know it’s probably not just me. Who else has a cookie addiction they’d like to confess to? Come on, don’t be afraid. Share your story with the rest of the group.
I worked in a cookie factory for a short period of time, when I had dropped out of college and was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. It had me back in college in no time flat. I also lost 50 pounds in a matter of months and to this day, have a hard time eating any cookie that is not home made.
I’m a GS leader, but we don’t sell cookies. Mostly because none of the parents want to. But also because they are industrially made and full of gross stuff. I do think some of them are sprinkled with crack.
Thanks for the financial breakdown. This will allow me to make a donation instead of trafficking in their sweet drugs. My next door neighbor is here every year, and I don’t want to disappoint her.
You’ve no doubt heard of the various GS naysayers: don’t buy cookies because GS allows transgender members, supposedly supports radical causes like sex ed, etc. At first I was all set to buy extra just cause. Then I suspected that we are being snookered once again, the whole reverse psychology thing. So I am exceedingly grateful to you for giving me the out I need here.
Up until this year, my daughter was a Girl Scout and we had several neighbors who asked if they could make a donation to her troop instead of buying cookies. That’s even better for the troop because they get to keep 100% of the donation. Of course, the kid doesn’t get to count that toward the prizes for selling a certain number of boxes of cookies, but it shouldn’t be about that anyway (but sadly, it is for many). I, too, can’t stop eating them up until the point that I become so sick of them that I won’t touch them again for a year. Every year that Em was a scout, we threw out a bunch of cookies because no one in the family wanted them anymore.
We don’t buy them for the same reason Becky doesn’t. They are made from unpronounceable ingredients. When I have eaten one in the past few years, I’ve been pretty unimpressed.
I’m a pretty strong believer in Scouts. I was a GS myself right up to the end of high school, earning my Gold Award and everything. And now that I work in nonprofits, I understand the structure more. Yes, money goes to the local council and GSUSA as well as the troops…and that’s important. Very, very important. The troops wouldn’t exist without those higher levels, and those offices are nonprofits who need funding to keep the programs moving, to keep GS camps up and running, etc. So I buy cookies from my niece every year, and from others too when I have extra money. And we eat them slowly slowly slowly. My mom taught me years ago to stash them in the freezer to help them stay fresher, which also means we eat them slower. I do wish our local council still sold the cookies from Little Brownie Bakers as they used to (and some troops in the country still do – but ours switched to ABC Bakers, and their cookies are far inferior).
I am a strong believer in Girl Scouts and am a strong believer that it is time the girls not be used as dealers pushing sugar-y (they took at the HFCS in recent years), chemical-laden, addictive products that lead to obesity, heart disease, diabetes, and other symptoms and illnesses. There, I said it. I’ve been advocating that instead Girl Scouts partner with Amazon or similar and sell gift cards, perhaps. Meanwhile, for the last three (maybe four) years, our troop does not sell cookies, our troop takes care of our it’s own financial needs, and our girls serve our community doing a variety of volunteer projects during the year.
I should have proof-read my above comment prior to clicking post. Heh.
Proofread is one word, huh?
I’ll go away now.
If there is ice cream in the house I’ll eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner until it’s gone. I can’t even eat GOOD ice cream anymore. I have to eat the sugar-free crud from the grocery store. That’s how addicted I am. I inherited it from my grandmother. We would skip lunch and go straight to the ice cream.
I do love the Thin Mints.
My cookie addiction is homemade chocolate chip, or really, almost any homemade cookie. Your sewer story is something else. Not even a tide of poo can stop the girl scouts!
I tried to snort a thin mint once, didn’t work out well for me. Doesn’t keep me from repeating the same mistake every year though.
Homemade cookies are much better, but my kids like the GS ones and we have friends in GS so we buy cookies. I don’t eat any, but that’s because my piggy weakness is with salty starches not sugary ones.
I don’t ever get asked to buy them, but Mr. D’s a sucker for cute girls so we end up with a couple of cases every year. I keep them in a high cupboard, but once opened, we burn through a whole box in one sitting. Doesn’t matter how many people are home. It’s ridiculous. Thank God they don’t sell them year-round.
Hi, my name is Britt and I’m an addict. : )
I try to buy some every year. I missed completely last year because I believe if I’m going to buy them then said GS should show up at my door/office/what have you asking if I’d like to buy. I will not buy from the table set up a the grocery store or the stash the bank keeps. I won’t troll FB to find my friends hawking for their kids. I was a Girl Scout for years and years and years (On my honor, will try…) and did the door to door salesman routine. You ask, I’ll buy. 10 GS ask, I’ll keep buying. I like to end the season with about 10-12 boxes. I stash them all in the freezer and dole them out to my family over the course of a year. I stretched the 12 box purchase from 2 years ago until about a month ago. I only take out a few cookies from the deep freeze at a time. And keep the boxes mostly buried under the dinner stuff so they’re not always there in my face tempting me. In about 2 months I forget they’re even there. Then, shuffle happens digging for something for dinner and “ooo! Thin mints! Samoas! Mmmmmm….”
I’m disappointed you didn’t give us street prices for those drugs you were googling. Share the knowledge! Just how much SHOULD we be paying for our addiction?
Responses in a list:
1. Love the image of you “up to your ankles in poo” while receiving Girl Scout Cookies. Not wind, not rain, not poo can stop the Samoas from coming.
2. Gift cards in place of Tagalongs or Peanut Butter Patties could start a riot…there is a very thin fishing line keeping many/me from the edge as it is. As it is an election year, there will be plenty of people to blame.
3. He (my husband) will not admit to this, but I believe I am third in line after good beer and Thin Mints.
4. Bold job — all the greats have chosen a path of renunciation of some thing at some time. If he could have, I’m sure Ben Franklin would have had something really wise and witty to say about Girl Scout Cookies. Without him, we’re left to make our own maxims.
5. I really do love the Shortbread (“Trefoils”) and I can shove a bunch in my mouth at one time.
Personally I was a Campfire Girl – do they exist any more? Anyway, I don’t buy the GS cookies anymore. I never liked them much and they are expensive. I really prefer a homemade cookie and find Oatmeal cookie dough almost irresistible so I don’t make those very often unless I bake it all up. I can resist a cooked oatmeal cookie, but the dough has contributed to my current largeness.
I have several problems with GS cookies. First, they’re made of chemicals and to me, they taste like it. We have a friend at church who’s child is a girl scout, and this year I finally decided to donate cash instead of buying cookies –which, by the way, the mom LOVED. When we did previously buy the cookies (out of guilt), we never finished them –heck, we’d have unopened boxes from a year back. Between that, and how much $ goes back to the company making the cookies, I figured a donation is a much better use of my $.
Second, I have to admit that it really bugs me when any group makes “selling the most” of anything into a goal. I’m not against commerce, but I am against the idea that my daughter is “better” than yours because she sold more cookies or candy bars or gift cards, or whatever. I just don’t see that as a worthwhile goal. I opt out of Emma’s school fundraisers for the same reason: they always have some stupid prize for selling the most wrapping paper.
Two boxes purchased out of the trunk of a car…really! One box of Thin Mints one of the cookie formerly known as Samoas. Took them both to work to share the wealth. I always buy a couple boxes every year.
As long as they don’t have chocolate I’m safe. Otherwise, I’m in serious trouble.
At this moment, as I contemplate eating a Samoa, I actually feel a little queasy just thinking about it. However, like any recovering addict, falling off the wagon is just one Thin Mint away.
I feel the same way about Samoas. I should feel the same way about Thin Mints, but apparently I haven’t overdosed enough of them. Yet. And did you know that it is impossible to OD on the shortbreads?
So far, I don’t know any Girl Scouts in my new neighborhood, and my husband does most of the grocery shopping, so perhaps we will survive this season unscathed.