Whatever will she do?

Oh people, have you heard the terrible news? The Martha’s TV show is being dropped by the Hallmark Channel. This decision stems from poor ratings and sky-high production costs, and the axe falls in April.

Isn’t your heart just breaking for The Martha? Oh sure, she owns three or four (I lose count) homes, flies on a private jet when she travels (even if it’s just across town), hangs with celebrities and world leaders, and breeds unicorns in her spare time, but oh the agony of losing her TV show!

[Insert the loud, mournful keening of the Greek chorus...]

The salt that is being rubbed in this First World Problems wound is the secondary news that Home Depot will no longer be carrying The Martha’s line of paints.

[Cue the melody of sad violins...]

Y’all, I’m seriously worried about The Martha. What is she going to do with her spare time, now that she’s not choosing paint colors and starring on the tee-vee? This is a woman who likes to be busy 22 hours of the day, meditate for 90 minutes, and then sleep for 30 minutes. If she has time to spare, that’s a bad thing. If she’s not slinging her wisdom like a Kate Spade knock-off in a mugging, then what is there left for her in this world?

Oh yeah, she could probably knit a sweater. But first she’d need to buy a herd of pedigreed sheep descended from Mary, Queen of Scots’ own herd.

Then she’d need to feed those ovines their own blend of special organic Martha-land grass, which would mean creating  their own special yard (with some sort of pretentious French name). That special ovis aries yard would need to be fenced, thus the need for Martha-grown wattle, which would mean first planting a grove of willows to make the wattle.

But once that fence was in and the grass was ready and the sheep were in place, oh boy, can you imagine the wool they would grow? It would be lush and thick. Hell, contrary to all other sheep wool, it would probably just naturally be itch-free, thanks to The Martha’s special farming powers.

And then once she sheared the sheep and got their wool, she could make yarn that she would dye using the organic berries from her very own jardin potager. And then — oh, finally, THEN — she could knit a sweater or something.

But the problem is, that one project just isn’t going to fill her time. The Martha needs MORE.

So let’s help a once be-jailed crafts magnate out. How do you propose The Martha fill her time now that she’ll have some to spare?

P.S. #1: Have you entered my Whipped, Not Beaten giveaway yet?
P.S. #2: If you’re doing the Photo Project, let me know.

 

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14 Responses to Whatever will she do?

  1. Patience says:

    I think it would be brilliant if she opened her own etsy shop.

    BTW, my post for the photography project it up. http://patience-crabstick.blogspot.com/2012/01/pickles-and-other-matters.html

  2. Mrs. G. says:

    I know she’ll figure something out because I don’t ever see Martha retiring.

  3. Becky says:

    Did you see the little books she made her grandchild? I imagine she’ll be doing more of those things. And driving her daughter nuts with the whole hovering grandmother business.

  4. zeghsy says:

    It’s The Martha. Death won’t even stop her!

  5. alison says:

    No more Martha? It’s a *good* thing. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

  6. alison says:

    Maybe she can hand-squeeze juniper berries for Martha-brand gin.

  7. I have a feeling that you could really inspire Martha–of course, you’d be doing so ironically and she’d take you seriously and if you give a diva homemaker a wattle then she’ll want a willow to go with it…

  8. Heath says:

    ROFL!!! Oh I love your lamentations! But she still has her cooking show which I heard was being picked up by one of the food channels. AND…she announced yesterday on her show that they have 3 networks that they are in talks with. I have a feeling that The Martha will still be around. I think this is a wake up call that she needs to change her format. Is it bad that I still love her? I mean love in the most superficial of means…like her ideas are things that I may look at or admire but I do not HAVE to do them, nor do I idolize them. Old habits you know….;-)

  9. Kris says:

    Ovies aries = oviaries = ovaries.

    That’s how it went in my head. I died.

  10. Cassi Renee says:

    I think we should just fire some of her staff for her –she’ll thank us in the end, because she’ll have some actual work to do to fill up her time. Another upside of this would be seeing less of her.
    :-)

  11. Aunt Snow says:

    I’d like to see Martha lazing around in her pajamas with unwashed hair, eating ice cream from the carton.

    Just for a change.

  12. breeds unicorns in her spare time ROTFL

    Personally, I’m with Aunt Snow. No pity required, just a bit of a show of humanity.

  13. Sue Treiber says:

    She’ll still have her magazine, I’m assuming?
    And I hate to burst your bubble, but she did come out with a brand of yarn this year. Ordinary wool/acrylic blends that everyone can buy at their local Michael’s.

  14. Nic says:

    I can’t get past the new (to me) piece of information that there is a Hallmark Channel.

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