Oh people, have you heard the terrible news? The Martha’s TV show is being dropped by the Hallmark Channel. This decision stems from poor ratings and sky-high production costs, and the axe falls in April.
Isn’t your heart just breaking for The Martha? Oh sure, she owns three or four (I lose count) homes, flies on a private jet when she travels (even if it’s just across town), hangs with celebrities and world leaders, and breeds unicorns in her spare time, but oh the agony of losing her TV show!
[Insert the loud, mournful keening of the Greek chorus...]
The salt that is being rubbed in this First World Problems wound is the secondary news that Home Depot will no longer be carrying The Martha’s line of paints.
[Cue the melody of sad violins...]
Y’all, I’m seriously worried about The Martha. What is she going to do with her spare time, now that she’s not choosing paint colors and starring on the tee-vee? This is a woman who likes to be busy 22 hours of the day, meditate for 90 minutes, and then sleep for 30 minutes. If she has time to spare, that’s a bad thing. If she’s not slinging her wisdom like a Kate Spade knock-off in a mugging, then what is there left for her in this world?
Oh yeah, she could probably knit a sweater. But first she’d need to buy a herd of pedigreed sheep descended from Mary, Queen of Scots’ own herd.
Then she’d need to feed those ovines their own blend of special organic Martha-land grass, which would mean creating their own special yard (with some sort of pretentious French name). That special ovis aries yard would need to be fenced, thus the need for Martha-grown wattle, which would mean first planting a grove of willows to make the wattle.
But once that fence was in and the grass was ready and the sheep were in place, oh boy, can you imagine the wool they would grow? It would be lush and thick. Hell, contrary to all other sheep wool, it would probably just naturally be itch-free, thanks to The Martha’s special farming powers.
And then once she sheared the sheep and got their wool, she could make yarn that she would dye using the organic berries from her very own jardin potager. And then — oh, finally, THEN — she could knit a sweater or something.
But the problem is, that one project just isn’t going to fill her time. The Martha needs MORE.
So let’s help a once be-jailed crafts magnate out. How do you propose The Martha fill her time now that she’ll have some to spare?
P.S. #1: Have you entered my Whipped, Not Beaten giveaway yet?
P.S. #2: If you’re doing the Photo Project, let me know.