Myth, magick, fantasy, and crappe – part 2

About a year ago, I wrote a blog post about a catalog called The Pyramid Collection:  Myth, Magick, Fantasy & Romance. I had quite a bit to say about that catalog’s offerings, as some of you might remember.

The newest catalog arrived in the Jenworld mail box over the weekend and it’s like Christmas came early, y’all, because the U.S. Postal Service pretty much hand delivered to me a fully-written blog post.

Here’s a screen shot of the main page of the website:

I’m not sure why that black velvet cape is included in that group of costumes, because clearly the theme of the photo is Disney on Ice. As in, Pirates of the Caribbean on Ice, Black Swan on Ice, and Moulin Rouge on Ice. Oh wait, maybe that cape is an apres-show cover up?

Unlike the catalog I received last year, this year’s is less about witches and Renaissance faires and more about hookers and prostitutes, with a smattering of call girls. The sub-theme is fantasy and role play — ah yes, costumes for hookers. All of the following will be available to you during your next visit to a Nevada bordello:

Hooker as Saloon Madam — For the client who watched “Gunsmoke” as a boy and had fantasies about Miss Kitty. Boot spurs available upon request.

Hooker as Robin Hood — Well thank goodness the hat is included, because the look was incomplete without it. And while the client is being hypnotized by the red feather, the hooker can pocket his wallet in her handy-dandy money bag, which is clearly labeled in case she thinks it’s for holding other things that I’m not going to mention here because my daughters will be reading this and I’m already pushing the envelope quite a bit.

Hooker as can-can dancer — For the client who’s a 19th century Francophile with a penchant for unfiltered cigarettes and absinthe.

Hooker as Little Red Riding Hood — For the client who fancies himself a Big Bad Wolf. Granny costumes available upon request.

In this fantasy bordello, there are theme rooms too:

This is the Hobbit room, complete with moss on floor for extra cushioning. Just in case.

And the Chronicles of Narnia room, complete with an ice queen. Due to PETA’s interference, lions are no longer available.

Moving along, there are some other choice costumes for your at-home enjoyment:

That’s totally bondage on the top, goth fairy on the bottom, bitches. It’s a hard look to pull off, so NO.

No. I will not wear a map of my circulatory system. (And is that a blood clot down by the knee?)

And no. Just on general principle.

Definitely no. Crotch-length is never good. And the detachable sleeves are just bizarre. What? It’s okay to have your hoo-ha and bosoms hanging out, but upper arms are verboten?

My eyes! They’re burning. Definitely a no.

Forget crotch-length, that’s more like fallopian-length. Hellz no.

Corset. Flounces. Uterus-length. Spider web capelet. Pfft. That’s what Pete calls “Saturday date night.”

I’m kidding. That one is freaking me out. Y’all know I’m not fond of spiders. Definitely a no.

[I showed Pete this last part and he seemed to think the costume was fine. In fact, he told me to "Go for it."]

Okay, now they’re just fucking with me.

I don’t care how many gemstones you hot-glue on, Lucite is NEVER an acceptable material for shoes. No. Non. Nein. Nyet.

I tried to  find one item, anything, something that I  could conceivably buy and, alas, I was unsuccessful. (And no, Pete’s not getting the Spider Woman costume. He’d do well to do some reading on Black Widows as a cautionary tale.) So it was with great delight much regret that I recycled the catalog. I thought about asking them to take me off their mailing list, but then imagined the sad looks in your faces when I told you that there would  be no more reviews, and decided to just stay on the list. For your sake.

If any of you have bought anything from this catalog, I’d love to hear about it. Go ahead, share with the rest of the class.

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13 Responses to Myth, magick, fantasy, and crappe – part 2

  1. Not me, but my daughter loves this kind of stuff. This year she went to RenFest as a belly-dancer, complete with coin belt.

  2. jen_alluisi says:

    I have never heard of this catalog before, but I can imagine my friends who like to attend Renaissance fairs, steampunk conventions, etc. – at least those who like to dress up for such things – would find use for some of the clothing as costumes. Myself, though? Not a chance. Not even for Halloween. (Not to mention those costumes are friggin’ expensive!!) Also? I LOVE that the disturbing short frock with the peacock feathers on the back has a “tiny crown included.” Apparently having the tiny size of crown is in vogue these days! :)

  3. Never heard of these guys. I actually like the red and white dress. Everything else? Ick. I am always disturbed by the halloween-means-we-can-dress-like-hookers trend. But actually, these things are much more modest than the things I’ve seen my friends wear on Halloween!

  4. Loth says:

    I’m pretty certain that if we passed the hat round, we could raise enough money to persuade you to buy (and model) that Spider Woman costume. Ooh! Ooh! You could RUN in it!! Who’s with me?????

  5. Sarah says:

    Jen! You found me the perfect look for the next wedding I need to attend! How did you know I liked to dress up like a Medieval Woman of the Night? He, he. Thanks for the laugh :)

  6. I’ll confess that I’m a tiny bit of a Steampunk fan. I saw an episode of Amazing Wedding Cakes where a couple had a Steampunk wedding.
    You were creeped out by the Spider web dress? Did you catch a peek of the Spider web cape?

  7. alison says:

    Loth, you’re on! I’ll contribute. I bet Pete might contribute anonymously too. Hee.
    Jen as “Arachna, Queen of the Night”. I LOVE it.

  8. Jenn3128 says:

    Wow. This was even better than I had imagined! Much applause from the Left Coast!!!

  9. Belly. Hurts. laughing too hard.

  10. bdaiss says:

    Yup, totally would have gone that road during my ren faire days. Not so much anymore.

    And last night I had to spend 20 minutes telling my boy how spiders are good (they eat the bad bugs!), they do not want to be in bed with you, and no the spiders around here do not bite, nor are they as big as your head. Good. Grief. I think I’ll be having a chat with the daycare gals (who I know are arachnaphobes).

  11. I have received that catalog, too. Scary because some of those costumes come in Plus Size. Can you imagine those get-ups on a very large woman?

  12. Renee says:

    Ha ha! Definitely with Loth and Alison on the costumed run. :-) And I don’t get what the red/white veiny dress is doing in the catalog –definitely not my look, but it just seems a tad on the normal side.

    One year Rob got a catalog that was mostly medieval weapons and torture devices with some weird mens clothes thrown in every few pages We spent a fair amount of time wondering what he had purchased in the past that would get him on that mailing list!

  13. How, oh how did I ever miss reading you in the past? Obviously, my blog-reading was incomplete.
    I was on that catalog mailing list for many years — I don’t know how or why — but so far, they haven’t found me at my new house. Yet.

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