The REAL story of the new house

While I’m off packing boxes for the move and trying not to have a nervous breakdown, I’ve asked a few people to help a Jen out and guest post here.

Today’s blogger is my British friend Jen, who blogs at Half-Baked Brownie Guider.  Unlike most of my bloggy friends, Jen and I have actually met in real life when we were visiting her native land and wishing we could live there forever.   Since she doesn’t seem unduly scarred by the incident, I’m hopeful we’ll visit each other again before too many years have passed by.

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I have tragic, tragic news.

You know how Jen and Pete have been telling us for months about this dream house they are building, with the man cave and the beautiful kitchen, etc., etc.?

*coughs*

Delusional much?

Jen’s not really away this week moving house. She and Pete have been checked into Property Prison for a week, to stop them from breaking into the house that the lovely couple down the street are building, taking pictures and passing them off as their own. Graceful and Elegant are in the care of their grandparents, the poor innocents.

You want to see how the On-The-Edgers truly live?

I’m here to show you.

Here’s the kitchen:

Now I can appreciate to the average untrained eye, this may look exactly like the kind of picture a fire department might release to show the dangers of doing your chips (fries) in a pan of hot oil, then dozing off. No. This is how Jen and Pete have decorated their kitchen. Note the subtle use of greys, browns, AND blacks to achieve a ruched effect, as if the colours were rippling (a.k.a. bubbling) down the wall.

And Pete and his “we bought all the appliances and they’re all shiny and lovely”? I think not.

Moving on.

The living room:

I know Jen has been impressing you with pictures of her Precious. And tales of clean lines and wood and finishes. Oh, would that were true.
She’s all about the red carpet. And the fancy curtains. The plants in random spots around the room. And most of all, the patterned sofas where one can finally answer the question: Where DID the foulest of 70s and 80s pop star waistcoat fabric end up?

Don’t go thinking the hall is immune to their rather unusual tastes. Just how many colours can you have touch each other? Where should one store one’s harp?

The bathroom:

Jen’s been showing us taps and sinks, wondering exactly how to fit in storage…she should have been wondering about her choice of paint for the wall and her “beautiful” towel set.

Fear not. Our tour of the true Jen-and-Pete homestead is almost at an end. But I could not let you go without seeing Pete’s man cave:

Note that Jen is in fact a benevolent wife — she even allows Pete space for a friend to visit and a few toys to keep them occupied.

When Jen and Pete return from Property Prison and are reunited with their offspring, spare a thought for their fragile state of mind and play along with their delusions about a new house. It’s the only way to help: let them think they have achieved their dream.