Lessons learned from the Big Ass Tree:
- The Big Ass Tree must be perfectly straight in its stand.
- Absolutely, totally, perfectly straight.
- The Big Ass Tree must also be perfectly centered in its stand.
- And the Big Ass Tree must be perfectly balanced in its stand.
- Hire an engineer to help you.
- A plastic tree stand — the same tree stand you’ve used for the past 17 Christmases — is no match for the Big Ass Tree.
- The Big Ass Tree will tip over.
- AFTER you’ve hung your ornaments.
- You will be able to run fast and catch the Big Ass Tree if you have the reflexes of a panther.
- Sadly, you do not have the reflexes of a panther.
- Luckily, you were standing next to the Big Ass Tree when you saw it begin its slow descent toward the ground.
- Your hands will move quickly to stop the Big Ass Tree from becoming a Big Ass Mess, but your brain will not be able to intelligently summon help in the form of coherent statements of need.
- You will stand there stammering, “Pete. Help. Pete. Help.”
- The Resident Man will not understand and will therefore not rush to your aid immediately.
- Eventually, he will figure out that something is amiss and he’ll come to the rescue.
- You and the Resident Man will need to fidget with the Big Ass Tree further in order to make sure it is secure.
- And then you will have to do it again.
- The Big Ass Tree will once again attempt to go horizontal.
- So, more fiddling around with the Tree Stand That Is Inadequate.
- The Big Ass Tree will be determined to be One with the Earth.
- More fooling around with the Impotent Tree Stand.
- Use rope, if necessary.
- It will be necessary.
- Tie the Big Ass Tree to something secure.
- If you have a hook in the ceiling somewhere in the vicinity of the Big Ass Tree, include that in your engineering plan.
- Use lots of knots.
- Argue with the Resident Man about the merits of using bricks to weigh down the Plastic Tree Stand That Is No Match For The Big Ass Tree.
- Reluctantly agree that you won’t go outside and gather some of the bricks that you use to edge your flower beds.
- Eventually, secure the Big Ass Tree so that it remains upright.
- Spend the rest of the day tiptoeing around the Big Ass Tree, so as not to upset the delicate balance of gravity.
- Be afraid of the Big Ass Tree.
The Big Ass Tree is being kicked to the curb on the morning of December 26. Only 18 days to go.
So help me, I am going to order a heavy-duty cast iron tree stand. Because, next year, we’re going to have 9′ ceilings and I just know I’m going to want a Bigger Ass Tree.
I’ll be ready.
we have had BAT before. Even sturdy metal stands are no match for BAT. our last one touched down 3 times and shed enough needles to qualify my living room as a forrest.
we pretty much nailed that bitch to the wall.
LOL – we’ve never had a BAT that big. But we’ve had ones that defeated our stand. So now we go for a potted tree.
Holy cow! You weren’t kidding about it being a Big Ass Tree. I think our two cats would be knocking it down on an hourly basis…
Have you tried using high-test fishing line to tie it to a hook in the wall? Surprisingly strong, and relatively invisible.
Our BAT’s always went into a five gallon bucket which was then stuffed with concrete chunks – toss the plastic stand!
(My mother painted the bucket and put a ribbon around it. It was pretty, honest!)
Gah! Is it really only 18 days until the day after Christmas?
Your tree struggles are funny.
Why not go for the fake tree? More environmentally sound.
Oh my! I hope that you guys learn to love it – 18 more days!
Yikes! I hope it stays up!
Skywalker: Actually, a fake tree is not a good option environmentally. The chemicals and toxins used to create one are bad enough, but then the average fake tree is around for only four years before ending up in a landfill.
Live trees, on the other hand, benefit the environment when alive and then, after they’re done being used as a decoration, can be chopped into mulch. In my town, all we have to do is drag our tree to the curb during the first week in January and the city picks them up for us. They then turn all of the trees in to mulch, which is then available free of charge to anyone who wants to come get some.
So funny – who knew Christmas could be do dangerous!
See? This is why I don’t get a tree.
Oh no. Here’s my advice (which we got from the tree man–having had big ass trees fall over like we lived in a logging camp at our house)–screw your tree stand to 2 8X2 boards–the extended square base will keep the heaviest tree upright–ours is 14 feet this year and sturdy as if it were planted in the ground. I’ll send you a photo.
Anyway, I feel your pain having had all our good glass ornaments break and one toddler suffer the tree LANDING ON HIM.
I know tree issues. Oh mah holy hell, do I know.
http://hotfessional.com/2007/11/27/i-fight-with-christmas-trees-part-2/
http://hotfessional.com/2007/11/26/timber/
We also have a BAT with our 9′ ceilings. We put it up in our new cast tree stand made for BAT’s. Filled said BAT stand with water. Big hole in BAT heavy-duty-will-withstand-anything tree stand. Water all over floor. None in stand. Return BAT stand. Got BAT heavy duty plastic stand. Perfect. All is well.
Lol! We’ve always had a big ass tree…we’ve got 9′ ceilings, and Hubs always has to trim the top so that my tree topper will fit on. I do have a heavy-duty cast iron tree stand, and it’s always been up to the challenge of the big ass tree. But this year, I chose the teensiest tree we’ve ever had. It’s only 7′ tall, and skinny enough to be the Next Top Model. And we had more trouble getting it to stand up straight than we’ve had with a big ass tree. (and guess who decided, once it was up and decorated, that she HATED the tree where Hubs had convinced her to put it, and moved it by herself, decorations and all, once said husband had left for work?)
We have..ahem…been known to tie our tree to an air return vent with dental floss. Stronger than you would think, I’m just sayin’!
Call me a scrooge but no kids at home this year for Christmas means no BAT in my house!!!
I’ve strung lights around windows and outside, hung a cpl stockings, etc but will not – refuse – to put up the BAT.
Can not wait for next years story:)
Oh goodness, at least you caught it!
LMAO. This is one of the many reasons I don’t get a live tree. yeah, yeah, I’m going to hell for not being environmentally sound but I can deal with that on this one.
You are so lucky to not have pets. That BAT would spend a lot of time on the floor!
My little ass tree fell off the cabinet it was perched on and everything SMASHED. Shock. Anger. Heartbroken. Frustrated. Denial. Acceptance. I moved through the stages pretty quicly.