This is fun?

I have made the most amazing discovery. An amusement park that is quite unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. (Not that I’ve seen it — I’ve only read about it).  An amusement park that defies belief and MAKES ME ACTUALLY WANT TO VISIT, just for fact-finding purposes.

It’s called Dickens World.

No, I am not making this up.

Located in England (duh), southwest of London, Dickens World promises total immersion into the world found in Charles DIckens’ books. You can go on a Great Expectations boat ride for “splashing good fun,” take a trip to a Victorian era schoolhouse “complete with nasty headmaster,” or visit the Haunted House of 1859.

Um… Aren’t amusement parks supposed to be HAPPY places? Cheerful, perhaps? You know, fun?  Clearly, these people have read the works of Charles Dickens and know that he specialized in malnourished orphans, cruel adults, and misery — lots of it.

How on earth does Dickens World make orphans seem upbeat and amusing?

As soon as I heard about this place, I started wondering…  Just how far did the designers go to ensure accuracy?

What do you get at the concession stands? Gruel?  With a side order of maggots?

What do you buy at the gift shop? Tattered rag-like t-shirts?

(Actually, I just checked. You can get street urchin caps. Because that’s always a fun, memory-filled souvenir.)

Instead of painting the kids’ faces, does someone smear on coal dust?

Do you think they crank up the AC during the winter so that you spend your visit shivering with cold?

I’m guessing Christmas is a real laugh-fest at Dickens World, what with all those ghosts showing you the various Christmases in your life.

Just how much suffering must a visitor go through?

I may not like going to amusement parks and I might be grumpy as hell when Pete drags me to one, but I don’t want to be actively depressed while I’m there. I don’t want little street urchins tugging on my pants and looking at me with their sad, tired eyes until I pay them to take a commemorative photo of my family’s day at Dickens World.

I was clicking on the website’s interactive map and, when I clicked on rest rooms, the caption was “comfort without the squalor of Victorian hygiene.” Well thank goodness for small favors.

You can actually have your child’s birthday party at Dickens World. I can only guess that it would be a depressing affair. The children would be shown the cake, but not allowed to eat it. There would, of course, be no gifts for the guest of honor. Instead of playing “Pin the Tail on the Donkey,” the children would play “Divest the Wealthy Gentleman of his Wallet and Watch.”  Afterward, your child’s friends would take home a goody bag filled with a single penny, a take-away container of gruel, and socks. The socks would be dirty and have holes in them.

Oh yeah, that would be a ninth birthday to remember.

Like I said, I’ve never been to Dickens World, but I’m betting someone has.  If you have, please comment and let us all know what it was like.

Otherwise, I’m going to have to drag my family there.