The secret life of American Girl dolls, part 2
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
(For part 1, click here.)
Awwww, how cute. The dolls are having a tea party:
This looks like even more fun than the doll school from a couple of weeks ago. I wonder what the dolls are saying. Shall we eavesdrop a little?
Felicity: “… And then I was all, ‘Do you really think I’m going to pay that much for a Brazilian?!’ It looked like it had been done with a fucking weedwhacker.”
Samantha, taking a sip of her whisky-laced tea: ” *tsk* Good waxers are so hard to find. Did I tell you that my last one just got busted for running a meth lab out of her back room?”
Collective gasps all around the room. “No! Really?” and that sort of thing.
Ivy: “Well did I tell you what I heard about the Cabbage Patch Kids next door? I heard that they’re swinging AND that they’ve invited the Care Bears to join them.”
More gasps of shock and outrage at this sick cross-species behavior.
Sophie the Cabbage Patch Kid: “Hey! We are NOT swinging with the Care Bears. We’re just friends, that’s all.”
Ivy: “Oh really? Well then how do you explain all those late night visits? Or what about all those rainbows that seem to hover above your house? Hmmm? And how about when I saw Good Luck Bear doing the Walk of Shame at about 7 a.m? I mean, it’s totally obvious.”
Sophie the Cabbage Patch Kid: “That was NOT the Walk of Shame! You are a lying ho, Ivy!”
Nellie: “Wait a moment?!? Is that a bit of green fluff I see on your sweater? It looks suspiciously like Good Luck Bear’s. Hmm, maybe Ivy’s not the lying ho. Maybe Sophie is the ho.”
Sophie the Cabbage Patch Kid, desperately trying to deflate attention from her: “Well… [splutter] Samantha’s a fine one to talk! Anyone want to speculate on her ‘close friendship’ with Jess?”
Stunned silence. All eyes are on Samantha and Jess.
Samantha: “Oh it is ON you cheap, mass-produced, low-rent whore!”
Sophie the Cabbage Patch Kid: “Bring it, you overpriced pretentious rich bitch!”
Sounds of breaking tea cups and general mayhem. The babies and the duct tape doll watch from the sidelines. This might just be their chance to break into the American Girl clique.
Afterward, it looked like the Gambino family had swept through the place. All of the American Girl dolls were killed. Sophie the Cabbage Patch kid and her other Cabbage Patch friends mysteriously disappeared, along with the Care Bears. The babies and the duct tape doll decided that perhaps tea parties weren’t a good idea and they’d settle for graham crackers and apple juice on the play ground.
Updated to add: I didn’t stage the dolls at all. I just took photos of what I saw. Still, Pete read this and thought it was “somewhat disturbing.” You would think he’d know me by now.
Entry Filed under: Uncategorized. .
1.
Prof. J. | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 7:49 am
Your tea parties rock! My dolls were never that interesting.
2.
melissawest | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 10:18 am
You are sooooo naughty. My dolls NEVER said things like that;) But if Batman action figure could talk, I have a strong feeling there would be something dark and scandalous about him and Poison Ivy.
3.
Wendy | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 11:09 am
When I saw the first picture I thought, “Ellie can NEVER see all the dolls or I will never hear the end of the begging.” Then I started reading. I will never look at her dolls the same way again. Now I’ll always be snickering. We even have a few “low rent whores” around here…
4.
Kristin | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 11:26 am
I totally knew Samantha and Jess were gettin’ busy… you can see it in those sly looks…
Funny… I am all about the dolls today as well…
5.
fearandparentinginlasvega&hellip | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 11:38 am
LMAO! That rocked!
6.
opengroveclaudia | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 12:07 pm
ahahahahahahahaha I hate those American Girl dolls and the Nazi “no we will never let you off our list” company. I just say NO to American girl. Stupid cows…..
7.
Fannie | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 12:18 pm
I don’t mind saying that you? have a perverse sense of humor!
8.
MomBabe | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 12:31 pm
ugh. girls are so mean.
9.
zeghsy | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 1:15 pm
awesome. barbie and her friends used to have all nighters like that in my house. barbie is such a ho too. tramp.
10.
Amy Y | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 1:52 pm
while I quite enjoyed this glimpse into doll life, I have decided you have too much time on your hands. I respectully request that you make better use of your time by picking my weeds and cleaning out my basement for me.
11.
Bunny Bunster | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I think I peed myself just a little……..
12.
Jenn @ Juggling Life | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Instant classic.
13.
Tara@From Dawn Till Rusk | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Seriously, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when you were setting this all up.
14.
Kristabella | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I was across the street from American Girl Place on Monday and I just don’t get it.
If I ever have kids, I need to have all boys.
15.
oliver rain | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Put a bunch of dolls in one place for too long and this is what happens. The chaos!
16.
Lacey Bean | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 8:57 pm
OMG I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard while reading that.
17.
hotfessional | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 9:40 pm
You are a sick, sick woman. And I love it.
18.
snowflake37 | Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at 11:22 pm
Forgetting that I find dolls of any kind very disturbing…this was hilarious.
And the fact that Pete thought it was disturbing? Are you sure you guys are married?
19.
Nora Bee | Thursday, July 10, 2008 at 12:13 am
Oh my, this is the funniest thing I have seen in some time. Waxers do all have stories, don’t they? Same with housecleaners.
20.
country mouse | Thursday, July 10, 2008 at 2:22 am
the first photo looks so freaking Stepford! I’m glad to know there’s a little naughty beneath those perfect exteriors ; )
21.
Domestically Challenged | Thursday, July 10, 2008 at 5:51 am
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Stomach aching from laughing!)
PLEASE can we have a ‘dolly’ day every week?
Pretty please – Jen you were just the ticket this morning – Thank you!!
x
22.
alison | Thursday, July 10, 2008 at 8:46 am
I *knew* the cabbage patch doll was going to be trouble. You can’t live with that level of ugly and not be emotionally scarred. I’ll send Max (ENAC) over to deal with them if you want. He might leave body parts, but he doesn’t shed.
Came home from work yesterday to find the Aladdin Barbie-type doll lying in the front entryway naked except for his curly-toed gold boots, the little gold cap and a smile. Two Barbies were face down in bikinis just a foot or so away. I *so* don’t want to know what went down in my house when I was at work.
23.
Traci Anne | Thursday, July 10, 2008 at 10:20 pm
DYING. OMG. Absolutely hysterical.
24.
mammaX3 | Thursday, July 17, 2008 at 12:30 pm
That was the funniest thing I’ve read in a looong time!
We want more “episodes”.
25.
jden723 | Saturday, July 19, 2008 at 11:37 pm
Love it. You are hysterical.
Those American girls are so “mean girls.”