When I was growing up, TV was much simpler than it is now. There were three channels and that was it, unless you counted PBS, which none of us did because it sucked.
Later on we had cable when I was a teenager, which changed everything, but in the 1970s, HBO was only a fantasy. So we had only the three major networks and not much programming for us kids. Saturday morning cartoons were pretty much it. The highlight of my TV viewing week. Think about it — cartoons for four solid hours. With great cereal and toy commercials in between. Kid nirvana, I tell you.
One of my favorite shows when I was six or seven was “The Secrets of Isis.” It had everything — a strong female character who was beautiful and wore lots of gold jewelry, the gripping drama each week, and the guarantee that the bad guys were always brought to justice.
Last year, someone had the brilliant idea of releasing the show on DVD. I was thrilled. Pete had never even heard of this show when I told him about it, but he went out and got me the DVD for Christmas. For various reasons, we didn’t actually get around to watching it until this past weekend, when Pete had the amazing idea that we should watch it as a family. The girls were dubious, but Pete and I were so enthusiastic that they agreed to give it a try.
During the opening credits, the narrator gives the story of how Andrea Thomas found the long-hidden amulet of Hatshepsut during an archeological dig. The wearer of the amulet was able to channel the powers of Isis. As Isis, Andrea had a variety of powers that she only used for good (duh).
I glanced over at Elegant at this moment between the opening credits and the beginning of the show. She was absolutely slackjawed and wide-eyed with awe and amazement.
Within the first 30 seconds of watching the show, I quickly realized that my standards for what makes for good TV have changed drastically in the past thirty years. The best I can tell, I had NO standards at all back then and would give an Oscar to anything that was geared for children.
“Isis” is hands down the WORST TV show I have ever seen. Wow. It’s like the writers didn’t even bother to write plots that made sense and the actors didn’t even try, well, act. I won’t even get into special effects that were so bad that *I* could have created a more convincing wind storm by simply shaking trees with my bare hands. And the viewers would have seen my hands at the edge of the screen.
In the tradition of Clark Kent and Superman, NO ONE, not even Andrea Thomas’ best friends knew that she was Isis and no one ever recognized her. It must be those groovy 70s glasses:
Or maybe it’s because Andrea Thomas wore her hair in a ponytail, while Isis not only had long flowing raven-colored locks, she also wore a whore’s load of makeup:
Don’t even get me started on the phallic imagery in this photo.
*gasp* Two totally different people!!!
You can’t see it in this photo, but Isis is wearing some impressive false eyelashes. J.Lo. would fall to her knees in awe of these long feathery lashes. I’m surprised the lashes didn’t give Isis the power to fly.
Oh wait, Isis COULD fly. All she had to do was invoke the ancient spirits:
Oh zephyr winds which blow on high, lift me now so I can fly.
[I want you all to know that I just typed that chant FROM MEMORY. Uh huh, I was something of an Isis acolyte 30+ years ago and have since been storing that useless bit of knowledge in the part of my brain where I should be remembering how to balance a checkbook.]
Anyway, Isis would intone that spell in a serious voice — after first looking around carefully to make sure that no one could see her — and then she would fly.
It’s pretty obvious that the illusion of flying was created by having the actress stand in front of a backdrop, angle her body just so, a fan would gently blow on her to replicate the blowing action of the Gulf Stream, and then the camera man would angle the camera sideways.
Isis would magically appear wherever there was trouble. Unlike other superheroes, she didn’t actually punch anyone or throw them off a cliff. Mostly, she’d just stand nearby and intone the appropriate spell to make the bad guy stop whatever it was he was doing:
Ancient Sphinx, All-Knowing and Wise, Confront This Man with His Own Lies.
[I had to look this one up, so I'm not such a geek that I actually remembered.]
When the bad guy was foiled, Isis wouldn’t do much of anything. She’d smile by slightly twitching the corners of her mouth and then she’d offer some moral advice to him as she handed him over to the police. At that moment, the other characters in the show would show up, all breathless and happy, and be thrilled to see Isis. At some point, someone would remark, “Hey, where’s Andrea?” and Isis would glance knowingly into the camera. Later on, someone would tell Andrea what a bummer it was she just missed out on seeing Isis and wonder why Andrea had never met Isis.
My gawd, those people were stupid.
We watched two episodes of “Isis” on Saturday night. Well, the girls watched them, whereas Pete and I left the room after the first one. Pete and I were mocking the bad writing and costumes and everything else, when Elegant reminded us that OF COURSE no one could tell Isis and Andrea apart, because DUH, Andrea wears those big glasses.
Elegant, on the other hand, is now a HUGE fan, which makes sense since I’m pretty sure seven-year-old girls were the original target audience. She doesn’t care about huge gaps of logic in the story. She doesn’t care that the special effects suck. She doesn’t care that the show is the worst one ever made. Because El thinks “The Secrets of Isis” is the best thing EVER.
On Sunday night, Elegant begged to watch more “Isis” so Pete set her up with the portable DVD player in her bed. As the opening credits were rolling, Elegant sighed happily and said, “That’s a beautiful amulet.” Yep, she’s Isis’ newest fan.
If Elegant were older, I could show her the official Wikipedia entry on the show or the various Isis fan sites online. Yes, there are at least TWO. And, one has a message board that was updated as recently as this weekend. Here’s one choice post:
“I have been wondering about ISIS long hair down to her hips in the FIRST SEASON. It was straight, lusterous, black and very nice looking. Was that her real hair? If it was a wig, was it a human hair wig? Does anyone know?”
I swear, every word of that is real. Clearly, the writer has some burning issues. I’m wondering if he’s this guy?
I’ve just looked at the clock and realized how much time I’ve devoted to the Worst. TV. Show. Ever. I feel somewhat sheepish and need to go spend an equal amount of time on something worthwhile. But I do have to ask, does anyone else remember this show? Did anyone else buy the DVD when it came out?
That is hilarious Jen. I have no idea what this show is, but rest assured I won’t be renting the DVD!
She’s no Wonder Woman or Bionic Woman (my sad teen TV memory!)
Nope – not one that made it over the pond to my knowledge.
Like you we only had 3 channels when I was growing up. Channel 4 started something like 1985 and Channel 5 about 1993 I think, then there was the whole satellite, cable and digital explosion and now my kids find it hilarious that my husband and I grew up with access to a maximum of 90 mins kids programmes a day when they have 24 hour childrens channels!
They also can’t believe that once upon a time the tv channels shut down at night and played the National Anthem before doing so.
I totally remember that show, watched it and loved it. I can’t say that I had memorized the incantations (you go, girl) but as soon as I read the words I heard them echoed in my head. I had forgotten about it until you posted – what a fun throwback to childhood!
I absolutely remember this show. It was one of my favorites too, along with Wonder Woman & The Bionic Woman.
How in the world could I have missed this show? I’ve never seen it.
It’s probably the same feelings I had as a child with the show, “Land of the Lost” – remember that one? Chakka? Was that the monkey-person’s name?
Wow! What a flash from the past. I *loved* this show when I was a kid. Glad to hear the review, though, because I would have been tempted to buy it to relive some of that wonder. (I’m always behind the times in knowing what’s out on DVD these days.)
It’s interesting to note that the audience (7-8 year old girls) is basically the same, regardless of generation. I actually like hearing that Elegant loves this show as much as we did. It goes to show that the writers/producers/whatever knew who they were writing for. Probably our parents were like “Why does my kid like this crap?” but let us enjoy it anyway.
My husband has this theory about TV, that there was much better TV in the pre-cable era, because there are probably about the same number of talented writers now as there were then. But now, they are spread over 300,000 channels, whereas they used to be on 3 (or 4 counting PBS) channels. So now, some of them work for cable networks, and some for the old networks, but you have an infinite amount more of crap on TV, because they have to fill the airwaves.
Anyway, I guess it doesn’t matter with Isis, because it works for young girls. We all need strong role models!!
We were easily impressed as kids, weren’t we? It turns out that “Gumby” was a really bad show as well.
I guess the kids still have low standards; that would explain Hannah Montana.
Speaking of bad acting and cheesy effects – there’s nothing like “clash of the titans.” I still can’t help but drop everything and watch it whenever it comes on. It’s a morbid fascination, I tell you.
Never seen nor heard of Isis, but I am laughing because I can relate. I thought Top Gun was the Best. Movie. Ever. And could not believe it didn’t win an Oscar in at least 6 categories!
I agree that kid standards are wicked low–most of what’s on Disney offends me and I can’t stop mocking it.
Do you remember Electra Woman and Dyna-Girl? That was another of my favorite Saturday morning shows.
And Deborah Winger played Dyna-Girl. Back before the crazy.
I learned that my memory for old movies and TV was not to be trusted when I took my young children to the theatrical rerelease of Grease. I remembered the dancing and fun. I did not remember “the girls will cream.”
it’s not that different as far as disguises go today. ugly girls have ponytails and glasses and wear overalls. put the hair down, take off the glasses, throw on a skirt and now she’s the prom queen. DUMB.
Sadly I remember this show and being somewhat enamored of it. Thankfully TV has improved:)
I remember trying to play Isis. It didn’t really go further then a bunch of girls throwing their wrists together trying to make the power symbol to transform.
I was more of a Wonder Woman fan anyway. I only watched Isis until it was her turn!
I remember the show, quite fondly! I wanted so badly to be the mightly Isis!! I did not, however, buy the DVD. You synopsis steered me clear of that. For that I thank you!!
i was a looney tunes girl myself, so i somehow missed isis. but my husband definitely remembers. he says she was “hot”. but then he has a penchant for brunettes.
i might have missed it, but what book was she reading in those pictures?