My guy

So, Blackbird found this article in Esquire about all sorts of “essential” stuff a real man is supposed to be able to do. She blogged about it and now it’s my turn to see how my husband stacks up.

Here’s the list:

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence. — Yep, he’s pretty good at this. Depending on the situation, he can be terse or he can be wordy.

2. Tell if someone is lying. — Well, I personally have never been busted by him, as I’m a terrible liar and don’t even attempt it, so I have no idea if he’s any good or not. Let’s assume he is.

3. Take a photo. — Yep, just not that often and not without being reminded.

4. Score a baseball game. — In his own words when I asked him without explaining why, “No. Is this part of a quiz or something?”

5. Name a book that matters. — Define “matters.” Seriously, on whose terms? I’m not even going to answer this one because it’s just pretentious.

6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. — Several, it just so happens I found him researching three or four this weekend.

7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill. — He’s generally a better cook than I am and definitely where steaks are concerned.

8. Not monopolize the conversation. — Um, hello? He’s married to ME. He’s an excellent listener.

9. Write a letter. — He’s more of an email kind of guy. Plus, I’m not even going to discuss the, ahem, disagreements we had in the early months of our marriage when he couldn’t manage a couple dozen thank you notes.

10. Buy a suit. — *snicker* You’re kidding, right? I can’t think of the last time he wore a suit, but I think it was in 2005 for my brother’s wedding and now I can’t remember if he wore a suit or a blazer and pants.

11. Swim three different strokes. — Hell if I know and why is this important? As long as he can keep himself from drowning, I don’t give a rat’s ass if he does the breast stroke properly.

12. Show respect without being a suck-up. — Definitely. As my family can tell you, he’s not a suck-up kind of guy.

13. Throw a punch. — For god’s sakes, I ask you, why is this an essential skill?!

14. Chop down a tree. — Yes, Pete can operate a chainsaw and not cut off parts of his body, but I’d rather pay an expert (or at least a good ol’ boy from the hills) to bring down trees.

15. Calculate square footage. — Oh hell yes and more. Would you like that answer in cubic feet too?

16. Tie a bow tie. — Not while he’s married to me, he won’t be.

17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. — Well, of course. We went to a state university and he was a in fraternity. Does he get bonus points for also having beer on tap in the kegerator?

18. Speak a foreign language. — Oui.

19. Approach a woman out of his league. — Not if he wants to live to see the next sunrise.

20. Sew a button. — I’ll ask him: “Probably not very well, but sure.”

21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. — No worries there.

22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn’t have to ask after it. — I’m intentionally leaving this one blank.

23. Be loyal. — Definitely!

24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope. — When I first read this, I was wondering why in the hell Esquire thinks men should know about poison. Do they mean cyanide and stuff like that? Really, that’s quite worrisome. Then I realized they meant my guy’s favorite drink, which I think I answered sufficiently in #17.

25. Drive an eight penny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. — Yep. After all, we have almost completely renovated our house.

26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat. — Don’t be ridiculous. He’s not a good ol’ boy, nor did he pick up any romantic notions from “A River Runs Through It.” (Lame movie, by the way.)

27. Play gin with an old guy. — Seriously, why is this considered essential? I can think of far better uses of his time and brain cells.

29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped. — The dude could probably teach an intro class on physics, so, yes.

30. Feign interest. — Go back and read #8.

31. Make a bed. — I’m sure he can, but he chooses not to. This might or might have been a point of contention at some point in our marriage.

32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick.
– Really, we’re not that kind of people.

33. Hit a jump shot in pool. — If he started doing stupid guy stuff like that, I’d have to make him sit through several Colin Firth movies with me just to pump some estrogen into his system.

34. Dress a wound. — We are the parents of Elegant, so we’re pretty well versed in First Aid. We keep a large array of bandaids on hand, as well as several tubes of antibacterial ointment. We’re also well aware of what impetigo looks like on a young female juvenile.

35. Jump-start a car. Change a flat tire. Change the oil. — Yes, yes, and yes.

36. Make three different bets at a craps table. — He’s a poker guy, which we all know is what real men play.

37. Shuffle a deck of cards. — Yep.

38. Tell a joke. — Not really his thing, but he doesn’t flub if he does tell one.

39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack. — Again, let me ask him: “Nope.”

[Also? He's got to be suspicious about what I'm up to, but he's knows I'm blogging, so is smart enough not to ask.]

40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear. — Yes, but he’s even better with 8 y.o. females.

41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear. — Yes, of course, and he’s damn polite too.

42. Talk to a dog so it will hear. — I could not care less if he can or not, as we all know how I feel about dogs.

43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help.
– Yes and, more importantly, can do so without getting killed or maimed.

44. Ask for help.– Yes.

45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist. — See #13. This is some pretty stupid shit.

46. Tell a woman’s dress size. — *snicker* Definitely not and I don’t see that as a necessary skill.

47. Recite one poem from memory. — I’ll ask: “No. I’m not really a poetry kind of guy.” Good.

48. Remove a stain. — From his chin, yes. From clothes, I have no idea.

49. Say no. — Yes (sigh)

50. Fry an egg sunny-side up. — Yes and he’s better at it than I am.

51. Build a campfire. — I’ll ask: “Yeah, I think I could.”

52. Step into a job no one wants to do. — As the guy who regularly has to plunge the toilet in the girls’ bathroom, I’d say yes.

53. Sometimes, kick some ass. — Physically? No. Verbally? Yep.

54. Break up a fight. — Between our girls? Yes. Between two biker dudes? No.

55. Point to the north at any time. — Yes, without even thinking about it.

56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. — Oh for heaven’s sakes, our life is not a John Cusack movie.

57. Explain what a light-year is. — He majored in Astronomy, so what do you think?

58. Avoid boredom. — Do you think there’s ever a dull moment in Jenworld?

59. Write a thank-you note. — Via email and with some nagging. Otherwise, I wouldn’t bet the children’s lives on it. See #9.

60. Be brand loyal to at least one product. — *sigh* This is really stupid.

61. Cook bacon. — And do it better than I can.

62. Hold a baby. — Yeah, I’d say he has some experience in that department. Just as long as it’s not the Boy, who thinks Uncle Pete is EVIL.

63. Deliver a eulogy. — No, he’d probably rather not.

64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch. — Well, as a former history major, I dispute that phrasing. AGAIN, I fail to see why this is essential.

65-67. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. Throw a football with a tight spiral. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably. — Go see #33.

68. Find his way out of the woods if lost. — No question about that.

69. Tie a knot. — WHY? Is the knot for a gag he’s putting over my mouth?

70. Shake hands. — Yep and he’s got a firm grip.

71. Iron a shirt. — *snicker* Yeah, right.

72. Stock an emergency bag for the car. — What kind of emergency? We’re parents, not firemen.

73. Caress a woman’s neck. — As it would be my personal neck, he knows better than that, as I’m very ticklish.

74. Know some birds. — WTF?!?

75. Negotiate a better price. — You don’t want to be on the other side of the table from him.

And that’s the list. I believe I can summarize it thus: stupid, stupid, and stupid.